A Child's concept of Death

Children will grieve differently then an adult but they still experience the same grief work as an adult.  Children also grieve in doses or in cycles.  They can only take in as much as they can, when they can.  Therefore, it is not uncommon to see a child laughing and playing even when they are actively grieving.

Children will grieve within the parameter and limitations of their developing abilities.  A child's conception of death will also be influenced by their past experiences, cultural difference and exposure to multi-media.

The following is a brief overview of a child's concept of death, their reaction to death and how to help the child according to common developmental ages:

Infants and Toddlers (0-2):

Concepts 

  • Death has no real concept
  • The terms "death" or "forever" or "permanent" may not have real value

Reactions

  • Reacts to emotions around them

How to Help

  • Maintain a consistent routine
  • Give lots of comfort and care

Preschool (2-5)

Concepts

  • Death is temporary and reversible

Reactions

  • Reacts to emotions around them
  • Has increased fears

How to Help

  • Maintain a consistent routine
  • Use concrete age appropriate language about death with the child-use the words "dead," "dying," and "death," they may not understand what "dead" means but it distinguishes it from "gone" or "lost" or "sleep"
  • Give age appropriate and honest explanations
  • Allow the child to participate in the funeral if he/she is interested.  Explain why we have funerals
  • Do "memory" making activities such as a "memory" box or telling stories of the deceased person

School Age (6-9)

Concepts

  • There is a clearer picture of what it means to be dead
  • Feel responsible for the death

Reactions

  • Fears that other loved ones may die
  • May act out or have other behavior changes
  • May seem very "strong" emotionally or it may seem like the death did not effect them much

How to Help

  • They may ask a lot of questions, answer questions truthfully and honestly
  • Allow the child to participate in the funeral if he/she is interested
  • Make sure the child knows you are available to talk to them about thoughts and feelings
  • Provide opportunities to express what they are thinking and feeling

School Age (10-12yrs)

Concepts

  • Understands that death is a biological process and is universal
  • Understands that death is final

Reactions

  • Have fears about the consequences of death
  • May act out or have other behavior changes

How to Help

  • They may ask a lot of questions, answer question truthfully and honestly
  • Allow the child to participate in the funeral if he/she is interested
  • Make sure the child knows you are available to talk to them about thoughts and feelings
  • Provide opportunities to express what they are thinking and feeling and let them know it is okay to have these feelings

    • Teens

    Concepts

    • Has an adult concept of death
    • Death seems far off and they may feel immortal

    Reactions

    • Fears about death
    • May act out of have other behavioral changes
    • May display reckless behavior
    • Rely on friends more than family
    • May withdraw into themselves and feel like an outsider

    How to Help

    • Role model healthy expressions of grief
    • Encourage them to express what they are feeling and thinking
    • Allow them to participate in the funeral if he/she is interested

    One has to understand that these age categories and thought processes are generalized.  All children develop and mature at a different rate.  A child may also grieve again at different developmental stages to process their grief with their more mature concept of death.  Thus, their grief journey is unique.  A child has a mature understanding of death when he/she realizes the following:

    • Death is not temporary but permanent
    • Death is not magical or personified but a biological process
    • Death can not be avoided or outsmarted which occurs to a selective few; it is universal

    A child will also restructure and experience their grief at major milestones in their lives (i.e. graduation, marriage, Mother's or Father's day, anniversaries, etc.).  Look ahead to and acknowledge the feelings and reactions that these milestones will create.